Redeeming my childhood (a peak at Ch.5)

(WARNING, THIS ISN'T A FUN, UPBEAT BOOK. IT DOES DISCUSS MATURE TOPICS AND REAL LIFE STORIES)

"I did not grow up with friends.

Sure, over the years, I had acquaintances, and a few loose friendships, but throughout my young life, I did not have any substantial friendships. The few stragglers over the years were heavily controlled, both consciously and subconsciously, by my mother. What I didn’t realize until much later, is that I was raised in a home with a very codependent mother. Throughout childhood, and even throughout high school and college, in a very semi conscious way, she convinced me that she was the only person that I needed. 

As I grew older and realized this, I thought back through all of those years, and what I realized, honestly shocked me quite a bit. A codependent parent often has attachment issues with their child. They tend to exert excess control over their child’s life, and in some weird way, they feel an intense need for their child to need them, approve of them, and give recognition to them. A lot of this can be linked back to their own familial trauma, and it may also be a sign that the parent may not be in touch with their emotions and or may be in denial about their behavior or true feelings.

Both of these were true in my case.

A codependent parent may also have low self-esteem, a lack of sense of self, and often take the role of victim. Their caretaking role may become compulsive or martyr-like, instead of one consisting of love, and compassion. As I was doing some research on the damage caused by codependency, I came across the term relationship addiction. This relationship is one that may feel controlling and emotionally damaging. 

As children, we are not only taught, but commanded to respect and love our parents, most times without question or hesitation. And on the surface, it makes sense. When you think about it, they provide the basic needs in the ways of food, shelter, and general well-being, and they take care of us before we are able to take care of ourselves. 

Codependency in parent-child relationships is more common than you may think. Generally speaking, the term “codependent” describes a series of subtly manipulative and emotionally volatile traits in one person that can cause pain, shame, anguish, and resentment in another. When a parent is codependent on their child, they place an unhealthy need on him or her for their own emotional, psychological, and social support. This is usually due to the lack of such defining systems in the parent’s own upbringing. Because of the naturally-occurring caretaker/care-receiver roles, this type of harmful relationship can be hard to detect—and consequently can lead to a difficult road for the child.

Often, children of codependent parents find themselves engaging in reckless or harmful behavior in order to cope with not only their interpersonal relationships, but their own emotional voids left as a result from having been under the umbrella of this type of relational abuse. As these children grow into teenagers, young adults, and men and women, struggles with mental health, personality disorders, and substance abuse become increasingly common and severe—and can often lead to a cycle of addiction and enabling if the cycle is not broken."